[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?