You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
You Might Also Like
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me buying fruit and veg
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”