BaD BoY!!
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I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Um … Hot Wings please
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott