Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
True?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT