Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.