I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.