Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
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[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.