If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Pigeon open mic night.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options