[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Cheer up.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I am, perchance
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.