How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.