*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
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Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Where is your GOD now????
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.