[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.