If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.