they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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dogs can find happiness so easily
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Its true…
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?