I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I hate when that happens.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I had to Stop for this
My nickname in high school was “who?”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people