I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
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The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
time for some seasonal decor
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit