Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo