Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.