SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?