Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
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*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass