me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
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Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.