[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”