Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.