where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*