Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.