Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
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been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Husband of the year 😂
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Your honor these allegations are
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.