angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Home #decor warning.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.