Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!