I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”