(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
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who wants to go expliring
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.