Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
You Might Also Like
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
A couple who are silly together stay together.