How dramatic are you?
You Might Also Like
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.