New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
a badder mouse
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Put a ring on it
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?