Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Hit me in the face with a bird
You are not alone 💚
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Oceanography is all about current events
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork