The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug