Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
You Might Also Like
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.