the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.