when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.