Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
You Might Also Like
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”