my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
my nickname in college
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold