*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
You Might Also Like
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
This is so me 😂😂
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.