[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
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A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”