Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
i want it utterly assaulted.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*