Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
You Might Also Like
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
and now we wait
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Finally, an explanation.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
So that’s what we looked like?