Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
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professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Breakfast for Stoners:
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.