Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
You Might Also Like
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.