I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I missed you with all my darts
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.