My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
You Might Also Like
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
There are usually two types of merchants.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.