6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Battery falling down a hole
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all