When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.